Today Halloween is celebrated in Utah. I don’t know about you heathens in other states, but in Utah, there is no way that we will let our kids dress up as ghouls, monsters and Lady Gaga on a Sunday. There is no Utah law requiring trick or treating to be on Saturday when October 31st falls on a Sunday, but I can tell you that most of us here in Utah have received a vision or other inspiration causing each of us to just know that trick or treating is not a Sunday activity. There is an unstated Scripture. “Thou shall not beg for candy in monster costumes on Sunday”. We have a similar prohibition when July 4th falls on a Sunday. When that happens we celebrate Independence Day either two weeks before or two weeks after July 4th. Hey this is Utah, I love it but there is a lot of goofy stuff and goofy people in Utah, including me. In Utah we can have 4 or 5 wives but you can’t watch fireworks on Sunday. Go figure.
Tonight all the kids will be knocking on doors and ringing doorbells and the musical cries of “Treat or Trick” will fill the darkened skies. When the little kids come to the door it is cute and sweet, but you also get a lot of 17 year old hoodlums. I think they want cash or tires and not candy. A guy comes to the door dressed as a gang member with chains in his hand and teardrop tattoos on his face. The blood on his shirt is real blood not fake blood. Do you really think that guy wants a Snicker’s bar? He wants your wife’s necklace. He wants 10% of your weekly income.
I have never been a big Halloween fan. Never once in 33 years of practicing law have I ever dressed up on Halloween for work. Usually I go to work dressed as a casually attired lawyer. Do you remember when your children were young and they dressed as princesses or lions or something really cute? Do you also remember when they got older and started dressing like hookers? That was when you realized life had changed. When there were young, you held their little hand and walked them to a few houses on your street. When they hit Junior High School, they left early for a candy run and told you they would be home by 11:00 pm.
Have you ever notice how many workers at banks and grocery stores go all out for Halloween? It’s crazy. You go into the bank to cash a check and the teller has an axe in her head. I mean if she is a little slow in getting your money to you, are you really gonna complain to a woman with an axe in her head with blood dripping down her face? (A side note - Do you ever wonder if it is “AXE or AX”? Well I googled it – “There is no difference; they are simply variant spellings for a heavy tool or instrument used for chopping and cleaving. Ax is the preferred form in modern American English. The word(s) derive from Latin ascia and Greek axine. The plural is axes. I like Axe better so don’t email me and tell me I made a mistake. The word is also used in urban areas in connection with a question, such as “let me axe you this”.)
Ok back to Halloween. You go to the grocery store and the butcher has blood all over his apron. Makes you wonder if he just chopped up a cow or if he is in costume. Either way it kind a makes you want to eat veggie.
The worst part of tonight’s Halloween is that the University of Utah football game is on at 5:30. They play the Air Force Academy. Air Force is always a tough game for the U of U. So I am going to be affixed to my chair tonight watching the game. No door answering for me. I don’t know if the Lovely Sharon realizes it but tonight I will pass her the candy handout baton. It will be her job tonight to handle the cute little kids and the hoodlums. If she has a problem, she can call 911. I need to full concentrate on the football game.
Tomorrow is Sunday October 31st, the real Halloween. I might go to church tomorrow. I have not been for a while. Maybe I will go down to St John the Baptist dressed up for Halloween. I am not certain what I will wear. Maybe I will go dressed as a man whose wife is mad at him for not handing out candy on Halloween. The axe in my head may be real.