King of the World

If I were King of the world there are many things I would do and require others to do. Here are some of them:

- I would require several of my Salt Lake buddies to get annual psych evaluations. These buddies include Gordon, Steveo, Doug B, Dennis and Mark who was referred to as Mugsy when I first met him some 43 years ago.

- I would have the United States leave Afghanistan and Iraq today. Not next year, not next month or not tomorrow. Today. We are spending some $2 billion per week on these wars. If we want to reduce the deficit, we need to get out of these unchangeable situations.

- I would put Glen Beck, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman in a Zoo. We could throw them bananas take their picture and laugh at their insane bellowing. We would applaud when they walked on their hind feet.

- I would get rid of the stroke and distance penalty for out of bound golf shots.

- I would require all American men to speak in a phony French accent for at least 15 minutes each week. In the alternative, a man could fulfill this requirement by singing “every little breeze seems to whisper Louise” or “thank heaven for little girls” like Maurice Chevalier.

- I would outlaw any waiter or waitress telling me his or her name. “Hi, my name is Ted and I will be your waiter tonight.” I mean how far can this go? “My name is Mohammed and I will be your cab driver tonight”. “Hello, my name is Chico and I will be your gardener today”. “Hello, my name is Bertha and I will be your third polygamist wife.” Hello, I am the Lovely Sharon and I will be telling you what to do in every aspect of your life.”

- I would get rid of the politically correct reference to African Americans. I would call them black guys just as I call white guys, white guys and not European Americans. Even black guys refer to black guys as black guys. Everyone in the real world makes references to white guys and black guys in normal conversation. Is a white guy who emigrated to the U.S.A. from South Africa an African American? No, he is a white guy. My forefathers came from Sweden, and England on my father’s side but I don’t refer to myself as a Swedish American.

- Lets not be stupid and say we shouldn’t profile people at the security stations at the airport. Profiling is exactly what we should be doing. If a dog does his business in your yard over and over, and you are trying to figure who the culprit is, you look at dogs, you don’t look at cats and you don’t look at fish. Your common sense tells you to profile and look at dogs.

- I would prohibit Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. No reference to any of these people would be allowed in any media at any time unless they come up with a cure for cancer.

- I would get rid of the one sided, right wing, nutty, politically outrageous Utah State republican legislature who believes that if you don’t agree with them not only are you wrong, you are evil. Get these people back to their real jobs as exterminators and real estate agents.

- I would get rid of Viagra ads and related product ads on television.

- I would outlaw assault weapons except for law enforcement personnel.

Here is something that I would deal with.  During the Superbowl and after I have seen a TV ad about taxes on soda pop and snack foods.The ad features a woman talking to the camera as she shops in a grocery store. It has been airing for several weeks in selected markets on cable channels such as CNN. The woman says

"Feeding a family is difficult enough in today's economy," the woman says. "Now, some politicians want the government telling me how I should do it. They want to put new taxes on a lot of groceries I buy, like soft drinks, juice drinks, sports drinks, even flavored waters, trying to control what we eat and drink with taxes. Give me a break. I can decide what to buy without government help. The government is just getting too involved in our personal lives."

At that point, a narrator says, "Government needs to trim its budget fat and leave our grocery budgets alone."

The ad is sponsored by "American Against Food Taxes."  Guess who makes up that group?  The group is spearheaded by the American Beverage Association, which represents the makers of sodas and other drinks. According to Advertising Age, the American Beverage Association decided to form the coalition in June 2009, when the idea of taxing sodas and other sweet beverages was being considered as a way to fund the Democratic health care bill. The coalition includes dozens of members, including 7-Eleven, Inc., Burger King Corp., Domino’s Pizza, the Grocery Manufacturers Association, McDonalds, the National Association of Convenience Stores, Snack Food Association, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Wendy’s/Arby’s Group, Inc..

I have no problem with a trade group running ads which are in their commercial best interests, but they should disclose who they are.  The ad should not appear to be the work of a couple of housewives from Des Moines. We know if they truthfully disclose who is behind the ad, the credibility of the ad would likely suffer.  Thats the point; tell the truth and let the ad stand on the truth.  The same things goes for political ads.. Say whatever you want just tell the truth about who you are.  I don't want taxes on soda pop I just don't like this deceptive commercial advertising.

If I were king I would do a lot of stuff. I imaging each of you would have your own list if you were KIng.  Feel free to leave you directives on this blog.

I must now go and adjust my tiara.