Fitted Sheets

I absolutely hate putting a fitted sheet (the bottom sheet) on a bed. You think it would be easy to take your sheets off the bed, take off the pillow cases from the pillows, throw them all in the washer, wash them, put them in the dryer, dry them and then put the clean sheets back on the bed and the clean pillow cases back on the pillows but noooooooo! When I take the clean fitted sheet in my hand and stand over the bed getting emotionally ready to attempt to put the fitted sheet on the bed, I start to panic. I begin sweating, my heart starts pounding and I feel somewhat light headed. I hold the sheet, I look at the bed and I try to figure out what ends of the fitted sheet are the top and bottom. You know what a fitted sheet looks like in your hand; it is not easily apparent where the top is. I get it wrong almost every time. I almost always start by trying to put the top and bottom on the sides of the bed instead of on the top and bottom of the bed. They don’t fit that way. Trying to make them fit that way is an exercise in futility.

There is nothing on the fitted sheet that provides easy information as to what is the top and what are the sides. Consider the flat sheet, which is the sheet that goes on top of you not under you. The flat sheet has a 3 or 4 inch hem on the top. You look at the flat sheet and within seconds you can tell which of the four sides is the top of the sheet. There is no guess work. You do not have to spend 8 or 10 minutes revolving the sheet around the bed until you determine which side is the top. If I manufactured and sold sheets I would put the word “Top” on the top of the fitted sheet. If this were done poor saps like me would be able, without stress, to easily determine what goes where.

Even if you finally figure out which side is the top of the fitted sheet, it is like a wrestling match with a monkey trying to get the fitted sheet to stay adhered to the bed by being wrapped around the corners of top mattress. I take one corner of the fitted sheet and I loop it over a corner of the bed. Generally, I start with the top right hand corner of the sheet where I hook it over the top right hand corner of the bed. I then take the diagonal corner and walk carefully around the bed to the bottom left corner. I carefully, oh so carefully, slide the left hand lower corner of the fitted sheet over the left hand  lower corner of the bed. It seems that I have done this perfectly so that the two diagnol corners seem to be secure. I then gently take a third corner of the fitted sheet in my hand and carefully move to the corresponding corner of the bed. Then it happens; one or both of the corners of the fitted sheet that I truly believed were securely attached to the two diagonal corners of the bed, spring free. It is like pulling back the elastic or rubber part of a sling shot where the tension occurs in the sheet and it goes sailing across the bed. Then it just lies there on the surface of the bed. I look at it, now wadded in a heap and it looks at me. It looks at me with a smirk and you can almost hear it whisper “Want to try again”? What are you going to do? You have to try it again because in order to make the bed you have to start with a foundation of the fitted sheet properly affixed to the bed before you put the top sheet, blankets and bed spread on the bed.

So I try again and get the same result but this time the sheet is flying around the bedroom and lands on the floor. Now not only do I stare at the sheet but I use some choice language (language you would not use in front of your mother) encouraging the sheet to be more cooperative. Usually after 4 or 5 attempts I get three of the four corners secured. At this time I stop for a glass of wine and sometimes refresh with a shower. Then I move to the fourth corner very slowly and quietly. I act as though I am doing something else like straightening books or measuring the dust on my night stand. That way the sheet does not know exactly what I am going to do next. It lets it guard down. It relaxes on the bed as I get closer and closer to the elusive fourth corner. I keep my head turned sideways so it appears that I am looking somewhere else when I am in fact looking at the sheet. Finally, I get right next to the sheet, quickly bend down, grab the final corner and slip it over the last corner of the bed. I stand up majestically, proudly with my hands in the air, like a rodeo cowboy who has just tied to the legs of steer after jumping from his horse and lassoing it. As I back away, inevitably, one of the other corners of the fitted sheet pops free of the bed. Now I get angry, not a little angry, but really angry. I start over. Ultimately I win; I get the fitted sheet properly secured to the bed. But it takes 15 minutes and causes me significant frustration. I am pretty certain the fitted sheet wants to be on the bed but it it believes there is a certain sport in the event, a competition between me and the fitted sheet and it  loves that competition.

I think someone should make a mattress with maybe 30 or 40 fitted sheets built right in the mattress like tissues in a tissue box. You use one and the next one pops up. You use up one fitted sheet, you rip it off the bed and throw it away and the next new clean fitted sheet pops up. No stress, easy and fast. When you have gone through all of the fitted sheets you throw the mattress away.