I have been on hundreds of
airplane flights during the last 35 years.
I am certain that I averaged 15 trips (business and personal) per year for the last 35
years multiplied by two for flights coming and going, that totals up to 1,050
flights. However, some trips included
connecting flights and therefore, there were more than two flights for those
trips. Whatever the number is, I have been on a lot of flights. With that many flights you would think that
things have gone wrong on some of them. They
have. I have all kinds of mechanical
problems, delays, lost luggage, golf clubs sent to the wrong city and
cancellations. The Lovely Sharon thinks I am an airplane jinx. I might be.
I had a flight once on a DC 10 from
San Diego to Salt Lake City that was initially delayed because a stabilizer was
broken, I don’t know what a stabilizer
is but it sounds relatively important don’t you think? The flight was scheduled to leave San Diego
at 8:30 pm or so and was delayed for something like an hour and a half while
they worked on that issue. The gate
attendant finally announced the repairs had been made and we boarded the plane. Once we were on the plane, we sat for another
30 minutes wondering what was going on.
Finally they announced that one of the doors (that opened vertically
disappearing up into the side of the plane) was stuck open and they couldn’t
close it. You cannot fly at high
altitude with an open door so we sat for another 45 minutes until they figured
at how to close the door.
Another trip that I was on was delayed
because one of the toilets was not working.
They had to bring a toilet repairman on board to fix the toilet. That took about a half hour.
Another plane that I was on had a
pilot who did not like his pilot's seat in the cockpit.
They brought in another seat that was also not to his liking and still
another seat which he found acceptable. Big delay.
I was on two flights over an 18
month period where a flight attendant erroneously activated the emergency chute
at the gate in Salt Lake. In each case
it took about 45 minutes to repack and get the paperwork done.
I was on a plane at the gate in
West Palm Beach where cockroaches or some other type of big bugs were loose on
the plane and they had to bring on someone to round them up. The cockroach roundup was in coach and I, thank
goodness was in first class, where I belong but seldom am. Before the cockroach roundup guy came to the
rescue, I could hear people in coach yelling “COCKROACH” followed by foot
stomping. The pilot finally announced we
had a small infestation problem and that an expert had been called. Almost an hour later we were airborne. Fifteen minutes or so after flying the
friendly skies, a green thick liquid, almost like wet Jello, started dripping
from the lights and air vents above our first class seats onto the passengers,
including me. Finally the pilot (yes the
same fellow who had previously announced the infestation problem) announced
that
The dripping finally stopped. It occurred to me this was like
an Old Testament flight, first a plague of locusts and now a plague of green
slime.
I was on another flight that took off for Salt Lake City from Ontario, California. Ten munutes or so into the flight an announcement was made to inform us that
the crew could smell smoke and we needed to go back to make certain an engine
was not on fire. We arrived to fire trucks, amubulances and men in asbestos suits,
I have a lot more stories, however, Thursday’s flight from Salt Lake City to
Ontario, California, had its own unique comedy.
I arrived early at the airport for an 8:30 am flight. I went to the Delta Crown room
and read the paper. I finally walked to the gate,
B-13, and was surprised that the plane was not at the gate even though we were
supposed to depart in 45 minutes. The
gate agent said the plane had just landed and that we should be boarding
shortly. The plane arrived at the gate
and the onboard passengers got off of the plane. I assumed we would have 15 minutes or so
while they serviced the plane.
After 30
minutes an announcement was made that an air conditioner valve was not working
and they were taking a replacement part off of another plane and then the mechanics would put
it on our plane and after the paper work was done we would board and
leave. After another 15 minutes were
told they were still working on it.
After another 15 minutes they told us it was taking too long and that
instead of us taking that airplane, which was at Gate B-13, we would now be taking an
identical plane that was at Gate B-10, just across the concourse. I had not checked luggage, so it was easy to
walk (40 feet from the east side of the concourse to the west side of the
concourse). For those who had checked
golf clubs and luggage, these items were removed from the Gate B-13 plane and
put on the Gate B-10 plane.
They finally started our boarding process on the Gate B-10 plane. After 8 or 10 people had boarded
the Gate B-10 plane, boarding was stopped and we were told, that the bags and
personal items of the previous flight crew were still on board the Gate B-10
plane and we could not board until the old crew came back to take their bags
off of the plane. However, they were
currently unable to locate the old crew so it was unknown how long the delay
would be. Our crew was the Gate B-13
flight crew who had moved across the concourse with the gate B-13 passengers
not the Gate B-10 flight crew who had disappeared so we could not fly off with the old crew's bags.
After another 10 minutes still no
mechanics. This was not looking
good. Then they started removing the
checked luggage and golf bags from this Gate B-10 plane that we were sitting on,
putting it on the luggage trucks.
Yep, a new announcement was made. We were now all getting off this plane at Gate
B-10 and were going back to the plane at Gate B-13 as the Gate B-13 plane was
now fixed and the Gate B-10 plane was not fixed.
We gathered our bags from the
overhead bins, left the Gate B-10 plane and we all walked together back to Gate
B-13. Gate B-13 was packed with people
inasmuch as a flight from Salt Lake to Kansas City had been assigned to take the Gate
B-13 plane when our flight was moved to the Gate B-10 plane. But now we were
taking the Gate B-13 plane, after all it was our rightful plane, and to hell
with the Kansas City passengers. If all of
these gate references are making your head spin, think about us passengers
moving gate to gate to gate. A new announcement was made.
Those of us, who hoped to
eventually get to Ontario, had mixed emotions for the Kansas City
passengers. Some of us were chuckling
under our breath knowing the Kansas City passengers were heading over to Gate
B-10 and a broken plane, others felt compassion for their plight (“plight” not
“flight” inasmuch as there did not seem to be too much flying going on here). I was thinking “you poor bastards” you don’t
know what awaits you, good luck”.
After another 15 minutes waiting
in line at Gate B-13, we boarded the Gate B-13 plane and finally left the gate,
taxied and took off.
After we were in the air, we had
another announcement that told us that if we wanted to use the onboard Wi-Fi for our
phones, computers and Ipads we could do so for a fee. Also if we wanted wine or cocktails it would
cost $7.00 each. You would think that
after all of the horseshit they just put us through over the last, almost two
hours, they would be pouring free drinks and giving free Wi-Fi, but no, there
would be no freebies on this flight.
“We just screwed up two
airplanes, inconvenienced you, caused you to change gates three times and in
general we took two hours from your life that you will never get back. Have a
nice flight and enjoy yourself wherever your final destination is today.”
Here is an appropiate Delta Airlines ad:
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